Completely Correct Assessment of Everyone on Real Housewives of Potomac
That's cast members, guests, and friends of.
THE TIME HAS COME Y’ALL!
I been killing myself writing intellectual ass essays about negro spirituals, whiteness, American capitalist hegemony. 🗣️FUCK IT I’M TIRED! And there’s no better way to recover than watching and analyzing reality TV from my expert mind.
As I am from the GREAT state of Maryland I would like to commence this series of rankings with none other than the iconic Real Housewives of Potomac (RHOP) A.K.A. the budget Real Housewives. Yes ma’am the money is tight in this series and honey, that is evident. Everybody knows when the money is low, the entertainment value is high. On screen characters are scratching to make a viral moment extending their 15 minutes of fame by an additional 10 seconds. Generally it does not work, but for us avid watchers it creates the precious fool’s gold we thrive on.
So without further ado I present to you the official ranking of best RHOP characters. It is a mix between their ability to make fantastic TV and how much I adore them as people. If you disagree you’re dumb and wrong 😘.
*CHEERS*
#16 Nneka Ihim
Who is this? Why did you bring her? It must not be possible to remove people from the cast midway through the season because if it were I’m sure this would’ve happened to Nneka. I mean what a fucking waste of casting space. Like we follow you through your very boring marriage and attempt to have children, no real juice here, just frozen eggs.
Nneka was introduced to the cast by who again? Ashley? Clearly wasn’t Wendy cause WOW that beef was so strong straight out the gate. Personally, I found it exceptionally uncomfortable to watch two Igbo women with a very specific and rich cultural context fight in front of women who were imposing themselves in some shit they did not have the depth or knowledge to deal with. She should also fight her sister for setting her up to be on this show.
Watching her husband do that weird fake friend beef shit with Wendy’s husband, snooze. So glad she’s gone, I forgot she even existed until making this list. I’d enjoy going back to that as soon as this paragraph is done. 0/10 Bravo, I hope you fired the casting director that chose her.
#15 Robyn Dixon
Before I lay into her, I’d like to extend some gratitude. Thank you Robyn Dixon, you were the inspiration behind my most read Substack essay. I genuinely appreciate it. Go check it out when you have the time!
Gratitude session over, OMG I hate this bitch so bad. At her BEST she is unbearably boring, she is the perfect representation of true neutral on a moral alignment chart. All she does is give nothing. She gave nothing to the people around her, she gave nothing to any event she put on, she gave nothing to our screens. What a fucking drag bro.
Mind you, the whole time she’s out here being a nothing-ass-bitch she’s in one of the franchise’s bigger scandals ever. Her husband gets fired from his job as a basketball coach where his assistant coach catfishes one of the players and blackmails him into having a sexual relationship *blink blink* DAWG WHAT?!?!
This is all happening while he’s buying hotel rooms and paying for the nail appointments of his mistresses because this nigga Juan hates you just as much as the rest of us. Meanwhile you out here doing…I can’t even remember what you was up to because you were so boring and deflective that I can’t recollect the exact attempted chaos you tried to ensue. My grandmother would’ve loved to see your downfall, so in her memory I say goodbye as she would’ve: Good riddance heifer.
*You know it’s bad when you start addressing the person directly LMAO. Second person pronouns only so I get the satisfaction of feeling like I said it to your face.
#14 Stacey Rusch
Imma start out on a high note. Mama is beautiful. I just wish she didn’t choose the worst wigs she owned to wear on the show. What’s up with that? When I google pictures of her, the hair be laid but on camera shits be sitting a little high to me. She’s not the only one, she’s just new so I have to talk about it, but that’s me being a hater.
Upon reflection, I have to hold myself accountable as a part of her ranking. I find Stacey exceptionally triggering. The way she has to moralize everything that happens so she can maintain her holier than thou persona makes my entire body tense. I am sent into fight mode every time she extends any sentiment of judgement toward someone else’s situation like the first nigga she talked to post separation from her husband didn’t strap her in a chastity belt. You’re not better than everyone because you can’t find the key to unlock your pussy hoe.
And the radio voice…hold on y’all I need a moment.
She’s stuck on radio voice setting because her job was to monetize people’s christian guilt by selling them bracelets with jewels, no, rhinestones on them as a reminder of their dedication to God. Really?? Is this what Jesus’s legacy had in store for you hon? She gone be real surprised when she get to “heaven” and it’s hot.
I know she’s new and needs time to get acclimated, but I can’t stand when someone comes in just to act like the peanut gallery reacting to drama because that’s MY job, I need to you to stir the pot babes.
#13 Jacqueline Blake
Jacqueline, Jacqueline, Jacqueline. I can see you’ve been itching for the spotlight for some time now, yeah? Always the bridesmaid of Mia’s perpetual proverbial weddings never the bride. Lucky for you you’re finally being handed the attention you’ve been dreaming of. What was that? Oh you wanted positive attention? You’ve gotta be more specific next time then, because if all you do is suck Mia’s asshole on camera that’s all anyone’s really gonna end up knowing you for.
The only reason why she’s ended up higher on the list than Stacy is because we’ve had more seasons to pull content from her sad sad pries for attention.
The recent Mia bestie wars involving her is painful mostly because you can see the joy Mia gets from it as Jacqueline claws for her position as assistant number 1.
Its the way she genuinely cannot take an ounce of what she wishes to dish out. Every time she speaks up with some sad attempt at asserting side kick dominance over Mia’s other suitors, I squint and turn my head to the side so it’s not quite as painful to watch her get demolished on national television. But thank you to the rest of the castmates for the drama! I do smile at her demise.
#12 Askale Davis
What a cutie patootie. Completely irrelevant and way too normal to be on the show but I love herrrr. I wanna be her firend IRL. Okay, NEXT!
#11 Monique Samuels
Monique and I hold a complex relationship, so before I get into my feelings lets talk about the facts.
FACT: Monique is an antivaxxer
FACT: Monique is a goddess on earth, she’s so beautiful it hurts
FACT: Monique was one of the only people who had Real Housewives money as opposed to Love and Hip Hop funds.
There was definitely an air of luxury Monique brought to the show that was not being upheld by pretty much anyone else, but similar to Stacey, I hate a judgemental bible thumper. I just really don’t need you here to show how you’re better than the rest of us. I’ll be the judge of that.
HOWEVER, Monique has done my favorite thing on RHOP to date and that is hand Candiace a fat can of whoop ass. Oooweee that was satisfying as shit. I’m no Franz Fanon fan girl, but he made some points! I personally think people need to reinstitute throwing hands in response to people talkin’ shit, because that too is violence. Especially if you explicitly request a dragging. Candiace deserved more than what she got and Monique is an icon simply for fulfilling a fraction of what was necessary.
#10 Keiarna Stewart
Keiarna really climbed her way up the RHOP totem pole from guest to friend to main cast member baby girl did that! I really give her credit for coming back after the G&A debacle last year, but do she not know that it is clearly the biggest reason she was upgraded to the main cast? That whole thing was teaaaa cause why was she bleeding fr? In real life I understand not wanting your trauma brought up every 2 seconds but in RH life baby that’s expected. Now you’re mad cause Ashley mentioned that your scar is gone? Hon, that’s a whole free ad for your skincare line. Say thank you to Ashley and plug that shit.
She’s another person I deem a “reactor”. Meaning most of her interactions on the show aren’t prompted by her, instead she’s placed in the middle of something or someone addresses her. She’s not lower down on the list because she is willing to react, but she’s not higher because she doesn’t take much initiative to position herself in drama or at least doesn’t have entertaining enough quips.
Some of her confessionals make me chuckle a little, but idk something about her reminds me of a milder Candi from RHOA and Candi’s not purposefully funny, she be horny and twisting her face which gives us content. Once we find something fun out about Keiarna maybe she’ll move up a bit.
#9 Katie Rost
Katie my biracial queen. She started off insane in the fun “wtf is this bitch doing” type of way and eventually became insane in the “she needs a therapist not a camera in her face” type of way. What was initially fun to engage with began to feel unethical. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised at Bravo for exploiting its cast but there has got to be a line somewhere and it should’ve definitely before having Katie drugged up on season 2.
After seeing Katie look so bad in season 2 and feel really lost in her appearance on season 4, her season 7 appearance was EVERYTHING! Came right on into that spring rooftop party bald head, leather jacket and shades on. Yes mama, first thing she did was squeeze Ray’s ass like a good luck charm, then rub his head like she wanted a genie to grant her three wishes.
Icon!
#8 Jassi Rideaux
I know potential when I see it. Jassi girl! What’s up wit yo man and his childbearing timeline? I love me a bitch who get nervous and start explaining themself too damn much! I know she just got here but the way she doesn’t back down when people ask her questions but also won’t admit that she came up from being this nigga side chick, fantastic.
Jassi is my favorite new character and if she keeps it up I feel like she could really become main cast. Imma return to this come season 10 when I’m right.
#7 Candiace Dillard Bassett
How can I sum up how I feel about Candiace? Kendrick Lamar said it best in Euphoria, “I hate the way that you walk, the way that you talk, I hate the way that you dress".” Y’all I hated Candiace sooooo bad bruh. She was such an evil victimizing bitch. AND THE TEARS, oh my God bro, a triangle shaped tissue will never be the same.
Nevertheless I would be dishonest if I acted like I didn’t love to hate her. Ooooo I loved tuning in and getting to despise this woman, she turned on my hater at the highest degree. She was such a fiery ball of emotional harm, and when it got too far Monique hit the bitch and she tightened up a little bit the next season. Violence works!
I give credit where credit is due. IMO, Candiace gets the best reader award of all the franchises I’ve seen, which to be fair is only Atlanta, Salt Lake City, and parts of New Jersey. I just can’t imagine anyone who wasn’t religiously strict, Black or Italian reading anyone for true filth. Comment below if I’m wrong about this. It’s your only chance to correct me because everything else in this piece is 100% cold-hard facts.
I’m not gonna lie I was nervous about the void RHOP might feel without Candiace in season 9, but I actually feel like the’ve done a pretty good job at making sure there was sufficient mess. Everyone say “thank you Karen for putting your life and the life of everyone around you at risk while drunk driving!”
P.S. Have y’all seen her pregnant? She’s glowing! It really suspended the hate in my heart for her.
P.S.S. Candiace was absolutely right about the conversation surrounding colorism and I’m glad she at least had Wendy there to back her up in that, but hate that she had to fight in that way at the season 7 reunion.
#6 Wendy Osefo
This right here is my most improved player. If I had written this after season 5 she would have easily been in my bottom 3. As a character, Dr. Wendy and I did not get along. In this era she consistently expressed insane amounts of classism and elitism, which is crazy that it stood out because that’s what the whole premise of the show is based on.
When she switched to her true reality show persona in season 6, new titties, new ass, she acted out everything she had just talked down on in the previous season. She was vein and engrossed in the privileges she acquired through her new body whilst still finding the time to talk down at everyone and calling them stupid. I actually have three degrees in the same field as Wendy and it used to make me want to jump out my skin when she would mention her degrees. Them pieces of paper don’t make you better than them noway.
This continued, though lightening up, through season 8 where I feel like she was probably the biggest contributor to how shit it was by completely icing out Nneka.
But in a sweet sweet change of events, in season 9 she is brand new. She’s light, forgiving, smart and funny. She’s choosing to do new things and I enjoy her presence in a room of drama even when it generally has nothing to do with her, which has pretty much been the case so far this season. I love a redemption arc, if there’s one thing I can’t do is hold a grudge and I’m so happy I’m able to let this one go.
#5 Charrisse Jackson-Jordan
Idk she’s just that bitch fr. She was a bit of an uptight asshole the first season but weren’t they all? They were also filming for what they thought was going to be a Jack and Jill moms show instead of real housewives so I give season 1 a pass.
Charrisse always gave luxury and she actually had the wealth everyone else was cosplaying. She was honest about her boy toys…and Karens…that’s why Karen didn’t like it. Charrisse was always making Karen feel threatened just by being her in a room and I was obsessed with it! Clearly so was Karen and that’s why Charrisse doesn’t appear so much anymore but when she does its such a little treat. You bitches could never be what Charrisse is and I’m not sorry about it *muah*.
I think we need to keep the alcohol away from her for her health but let her have it so we can get a few more table banging scenes.
#4 Ashley Darby
Prior to season 9 Ashley would have been my number 1 EASY. I used to RIDE for my girl. A gemini to her core, she can’t help the fact that she love to talk. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me type beat. People just wasn’t learning they lesson. Ashley would say it herself, y’all know the girl got diarrhoea (why is that spelled that way) of the tongue. Just like her celebrity lookalike Doja Cat.
Really my favorite part about Ashley was her ability to address her wrongs. She be doing shit, but she was ready to hear out anyone who said they were hurt by her and if she felt like it made sense she would apologize, which was quite often. I enjoyed the way she never bogged herself down by the poor choices she made and instead chose to see her wrongs and move forward in a better way. It also made her have to be messy in new creative ways <3.
Unfortunately, I had to knock her down quite a few pegs because her ex-husband made his wealth by being a warmonger.
*Record scratch freeze frame*
Yup, that’s right. Michael Darby is one of the largest land owners in Somalia and has invested in weapons manufacturers supporting both sides of conflicts in Somalia simultaneous. For that she is knocked down and honestly give me until the end of this season to grieve her and she’ll be at the bottom of the next list. That sort of complicit behavior is disgusting.
#3 Karen Huger
I would be a lie if I put her any lower but know I do it with a heart full of disdain. Personally, I do believe Charrisse is the true queen of Potomac but the self proclaimed Grande Dame has made her name in these streetz whether it’s by pushing out everyone who intimidates her, getting it in with Sir Blue Eyes or crashing headlights first into a tree while drunk (I know I’m talking shit about drunk driving but it really is most often a public transportation problem instead of an individual fallacy, celebrities tend to be an exception).
Comment if you want to hear more about my drunk driving take!
Karen knows how to work a room honey. She controls the temperature of any gathering at her whim. Since she generally is trying to avoid any interrogation and pointing fingers at the people around her it makes fantastic television. She is an evil dictator that works to tailer the rules to her exact shape at any given moment.
I genuinely think Karen thought her husband would be dead by now and keeps getting frustrated by the things she wouldn’t have to deal with if he was…like her affairs. I’m not wishing that over this man, I’m just speaking the gospel truth.
Speaking of gospel truth, I hope everyone keeps questioning her about these charges she’s wracked up and I hope she keeps not answering because that will absolutely incriminate her. Shoutout to her lawyers, they’re giving her good advice.
#2 Mia Thornton
It’s really crazy to me that she just got added three seasons ago, because she’s so deeply incorporated into the absolute mess of the cast. That just goes to show how talented of a messy bitch Mia is. Love her! She bout to have everybody and they momma against her this season, but I trust she’ll find her way out. I’m ready and sat to watch it all unfold!
Mia’s goldmine lies in her completely transparent skin. She hides nothing from us, again please make no mistake I am grateful, but I can’t help wondering how she’s made it this far alive. Maybe it’s because I just started telling people the truth about my life this year but as a chronically closed off person I am always in awe at what Mia is willing to share. She’s genuinely taught me so much through her ability to be honest about her feelings and actions past and present.
Is she offering up the stability of her son’s relationship with his father and overall family for my entertainment, yes. Has she over stepped her boundaries as it relates to discussing her ex-husbands mental health, no doubt. Is it the bread and butter of my Sunday nights, most definitely. She’s way too much fun to watch. Her positive disposition and inability to keep any of her thoughts to herself taste delicious on my gluttonous soul hungry tongue.
#1 Gizelle Bryant
Mmmhmm, I’m not afraid to say it any more. The number one spot goes to thee pretty Ms. Messy herself. Gizelle Bryant. There was a not so recent past in which I wasn’t as loud about my praise for Gizelle though it was always there. Ever since her liberation from the drudging weight that was the other half of the Green Eyed Bandits she has flown high. Now the only comparison you can give is between her and her twin Latto.
Mama keeps it real and NEVER backs down from a challenge. Since the first season Gizelle has been pinned consistently as a villain. I’m not mad at it and in some cases it’s deserved plus it’s always nice to hate on a lightskin. HOWEVER! I think much of the hate she gets comes from her unwillingness to participate in the polite pleasantries that others project onto having some form of wealth/status.
In some ways its really personal because my father was a cheating ass pastor just like Jamal Bryant. Seeing Gizelle not give a single fuck about being holy and living how she chooses doing what she chooses is a beautiful thing I’ve seen sprout from my mother first hand. It’s an easy thing for me to take joy in.
When it comes to family GIZELLE GONE RIDE! There is no other housewife I enjoy seeing interact with their family more than Gizelle. The way she talks to and about her kids is so uplifting and I hope they always feel that support. The way she be talking shit straight to Jamal’s bitch-ass baby daddy face is satisfying as fuck. How much she loves and adores her parents without falling into their traps of projection is empowering.
Gizelle hasn’t gone without her wrongs but no one on RHOP is an angel. What makes Gizelle individual is her process. She gone initiate something by saying some shit she ain’t got no business saying but is exactly what everyone was wondering, let you curse her out, laugh, and carry right the fuck on. Gizelle this is your love letter.
I would watch a whole season without Karen but I would NEVER watch a season without Gizelle.
That felt so good to get out. Even though no one else’s opinion on this matters, let me know how you would rank these women in the comments!
Also! Join the chat so we can talk about more reality TV!
chaotic evil fits candace so well!
Candiace is the only person on this planet who can drag me and wouldn’t get a rebuttal. She is the read queen and as a writer, I will always respect a clever, wordsmith gangster 🤣