I Almost Popped Off at My Best Friend for Buying Whole-Wheat Pasta

How my OCD forced me into learning emotional regulation.

A few hours ago I hobbled into the kitchen (I’m on crutches) siced to see what was there for me to fix.  My roommate had just gone to the grocery store and absolutely ROBBED the place so I just knew we’d have some good shit in stock.

I looked in the fridge, she had got the good bacon.  HELL YEAH BROTHER! Oooooo and she had gotten the good pasta sauce with the garlic and basil in it.  Nah, I was bout to make the most fire pasta you ever seen, I’m so serious.  

So I opened the drawer where we keep the pasta, cause I knew she had gotten some, me and her be on the same wavelength. When I opened it I immediately clenched my fists.  Why the hell did she get whole wheat pasta???

Mind you there are two important details for context. First, this is my best friend. I was genuinely ready to pop off on the person who takes me to all my doctors appointments and holds me when I cry about not being enough…over some whole wheat pasta.  

Second, I have OCD.  Which means when I’m feeling something I’m real life faced with a 100 foot wave of thoughts.  Every little thing I feel needs an index and a glossary to be understood by me or anyone else.  I’m telling y’all I be pissed about e-ver-y-thanggg.

I used to fight it so bad, mostly by completely isolating myself from any environment I thought maybe possibly could sort of upset me.  And then I realized I was lonely so instead I dismissed everything I felt as an extension of my own mentally ill brokenness.  That didn’t work neither cause now we’re playing the ticking time bomb game and, personally, I much prefer playing uno.  I had to figure out how I was gonna deal with this so I could foster my relationships be it casual or life long.  

That being said, here are the steps I take as a person with a condition requiring *deep* emotional regulation to interact with others (I’m so serious y’all, I be wanting to hurt people) using this whole wheat pasta situation.

1. Recognize that you’re feeling something.  When I first saw those brown ass noodles I knew I wasn’t okay because I felt my fists clench and my heart rate go up.  This is the hardest step because it takes intention.  You have to decide before you’re upset that you want to figure this out.  Once you’ve done that, begin to take note of how your physical body felt the last time you were upset.  We’ve been tricked to think our emotions only exist in our minds.  When I get really excited my hands genuinely begin to go numb!  Stay in touch with your body babes.  You won’t regret it.

2. Pause from doing anything while your emotions are high.  Now *the old me* would’ve picked my phone right on up and cursed her out for this egregious action.  But after I recognized that my chest was thumping with rage I chose to sit tight, close my eyes, and take a few deep breaths.  People love to make fun of bitches for breathing and meditating but fuck em.  It works and brings you back into your body.  Regain control of your fists honey.  Let’s sit down. :)

3. Do something you enjoy that’s unrelated to the instance. Once I came to, I was about to start cooking but realized that would really send me back into a frenzy, so instead I grabbed a quick snack and watched my current favorite YouTube channel (shoutout Digging The Greats).  The hidden difficulty with this step is having the intention of revisiting what was upsetting you.  It’s easy to dismiss a problem once you’ve cooled down.  Take this time to unwind, don’t use it as an excuse to bulldoze your feelings.

4. Assess what caused this feeling.  After watching my video about neo-soul Soulquarian I said okay, I’m still alive and the whole wheat pasta won’t kill me.  I was upset because my bestie is a bit of a health freak and knows that I don’t like whole wheat alternatives, but because I’m on crutches she goes to the store alone.  The ability to really digest the entirety of this feeling is important.  I can understand that while it was triggered by pasta, I felt that my known preferences were being ignored.  Bigger issues are usually the basis of small annoyances.  You figure the big problems out and you’ll be mildly annoyed less often.

5. Decide if you want to communicate about the situation.  Since coming to my conclusion, I realized there could have been a number of things going through my friend’s head when at the store other than tryna slight my preferences.  HOWEVER, I still hate whole wheat spaghetti so I decided to say something so my tastes can be considered whilst I’m unable to go to the store.  Just because it’s not a big deal doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express your needs and desires!

6. If you choose to communicate, gauge how you can do it constructively. I have already assessed that I don’t need to take this situation personally. Thus instead of talking about my friend to tell her about herself, I chose to focus on my needs.  I’ve decided to simply say “thanks for doing all the shopping while I’ve been on crutches.  Next time you go to the store do you think you can get the non-whole wheat pasta and bread?  I still really prefer those.”  This has been a really helpful framework to communicate in relationships I care about.

When I first started doing this it felt like a fuck ton of steps I’m not gonna lie, but with the practice I got from being a former slave to my emotions I’ve been able to temper the swell of my ocean waves and talk to people without projecting my emotional space onto them.  Trust me the world is a better place because of it.  Y’all got enough insight to what it was like through this piece.

Mind you, I’ve written this whole thing before talking to my friend LMAO, so honestly this was a part of my regulatory process.  And for that I say thank you substack for being there.  Thank you Carmen for taking yourself seriously

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