Don't Know An Assaulter? It Might Be You

You niggas do not practice proper consent.

⚠️Trigger Warning⚠️: Sexual Violence

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Pop Quiz

Answer: D “None of the above,” because the only thing that counts as consent is an enthusiastic “Yes!” That’s it.

I hate that I’m here reminding y’all of this but I feel the need because 9.7/10 sexual experiences I have ever had did not abide by it. You niggas (read mostly gendered as men, but not just them) see women as a self-comforting tool sexually, emotionally, and whatever tf else y’all can mooch off us.

The Other Night

I went back to Hinge (muhfuckin sighhh) because I be bored. Someone need to tell me to get a hobby instead next time. I matched with this artsy nigga with locs so I knew from then it was over for me. Our first date was going to the outdoor sauna at 8am in 50 degree weather because I am not like you other hoes and I likes to set my day up for success, purrrrr.

🚩Red Flag 1🚩: When we got to the sauna he took off his shirt and had the Gemini symbol tatted in between his collar bones.

We had a great time, meditated in the silent sauna together, did two ice baths, he asked to take a picture of me on his film camera, and got breakfast burritos. Like what more could I even ask for fr. Probably a lot but my dumb ass stay impressed by a spiritual facade so I suggested we see each other again later that night -_-.

But I’m a STRONG Black woman that don’t need no man and I did NOT fold. I did NOT have sex with that man even though he stayed the night. #breakingbadhabits

In the morning, after making shakshuka because I have to let these niggas know I’m the one, I finally told my friends about the man in the house. Ion like to tell them about my escapades before I meet someone because I feel like it’ll jinx the whole vibe. Let me live in my own perception of a person I don’t know in peace pls.

JK I take it back because as soon as I told my friends one of them looked me dead in the eye and said oh yeah no we dated for multiple months at the start of the year. I couldn’t do nothing but throw my hands on my head.

🚩Red Flag 2🚩: She said he got weird about using condoms, but I ain’t take it serious cause I be weird about using condoms too. I said I was gone be honest…I be trying my best.

Lesson not learned because I’m quirky, silly, lonely, and horny I saw him again two days later.

🚩Red Flag 3🚩: After plucking it out of him from the root he expressed that he doesn’t like using words to show affection and feels his touch exhibits his feelings. :/

That’s Not Consent

My touch is not consent.

My kiss is not consent.

My bare pussy is not consent.

My expression of interest is not consent.

The only thing that is consent is the direct answer of “Yes” to an explicit request.

I ended up on top of Mr.Gemini and I could feel his desire to penetrate me. I was happy with it. I enjoyed his desire, but then he chose to act on this desire without asking me if it was what I desired too. Instead he assumed my desire existed parallel to his. It did not. I like that you want me, I do not want you the same way back. Simple.

Here’s the real kicker. Instead of asking him to stop, because I am afraid of what might happen if I upset a horny man, I decided to act like it was what I wanted. I asked him if he would penetrate me like it wasn’t obvious he was trying for the last 30 seconds. I created a reality in which I held control over consent I was never going to give. And on top of it all, I ended up feeling shame for doing it.

You’re Assaulting Me And Don’t Know It

He’s not the first. If he didn’t do it he’d be an outlier. In my experience having sex with men, this is the norm. They feel some hypothetical vibe and decide that means I want them.

I don’t.

Maybe I did at one point, but now that you’re assuming I do I definitely don’t want shit to do with you, but here I am pretending so I can get myself through. Why do I keep doing it, because I have hope and on the rare occassion I do find someone that explicitly asks for consent the faucet flows baby.

A nigga consensually washing my dirty dishes

The commonplace of it all is the scariest part. The amount of women who have no idea they should be getting asked more questions to gather permission is disheartening. Not being communicated with is the standard. People out here having conversations about whether consent “ruins the mood.” You know what ruins my mood? Your dick popping out without my prior knowledge…unless we’ve established continuous consent previously, then do what you want with me x.

We should never accept this as a common part of having sex. That is how we end up with statistics saying 81% of women have experienced sexual assault or harassment, but nobody knows someone that’s committed these assaults. It’s cause it very well could be you brother.

Don’t panic, you’re not going to hell. You’re not a bad person but you have caused harm. Once you can reckon with your behavior, you can assess what parts you need to change and get to it…quickly. You are not irredeemable, you just have to be honest with yourself first.

Here’s hoping you niggas take my advice because y’all be fine and I’m still horny.

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Thanks for getting through this with me. It was a lot for me to deal with but writing it down felt like therapy. I know I’m not the only one. It’s both infuriating and validating to know we can lean on each other.

Here’s to healing and moving forward.